My Theory On Blooming

LIFE OF AN AMERICAN EXPAT LIVING ABROAD

A few weeks ago I prepped for a girls weekend away with my college friends.  Each year we travel to a destination to discuss our book club books.  This year we went to Scottsdale, UnknownArizona. We discussed books for like 3 hours… The rest of the time we enjoyed our 20 years of friendship.

While prepping for this weekend away to enjoy warm weather and friends without kiddos and husbands, I realized how much shit women do to the bodies in regards to small engine repair.

First, I HAD to get my hair cut and colored. This was necessary, as my hair was beginning to become ombré, and NOT in a good way.  My hair gets a full highlight with three colors…I mean that is a lot of foils. Then add a haircut and blowout. The only saving grace is that my friend, Jessica Galvan, is my stylist.  So, it gives me a chance to catch up with her.

Time lapsed = 4.5 hours

Second, I went to get waxed.  Holy shit.  I think they found the most evil waxer they could find.  She was tiny (I mean really small) with bright pink painted lips, and never smiled. Okay, so I realize bikini waxing is never fun, but I was seriously dying. I never knew when she was going to rip half of my vagina off…usually they give you a little warning…Breathe in – RIP! But, not Devil Woman.  To be honest, her job isn’t great.  She removes hair from lady parts (and other places) all day long. While I was visiting with Devil Woman, I had some facial waxing done as well.  Everything was going fine until she surprised me with the torture of threading. Now, I’ve had threading done before, but unless your prepared for the pain…it will light your ass up. She replied to my unexpected shock with, “to get the fine hairs”. Great, just a little heads up next time…OK?

Time lapsed = 1 hour

Next, it was mani-pedi time. I visited my neighborhood nail salon, and thoroughly enjoyed every single minute of this activity. I love how they pamper you with gratis coffee and some weird green water (I don’t really know what the hell it is, but it is supposed to be good for you).

Time lapsed = 1.5 hours

Lastly, I went for an air brush tan.  I mean, let’s face it…my white meat hadn’t seen a beach in months, so I could not allow others to bare witness to the bright light radiating off my body. Finding a good air brush tan in Mexico is not easy because most people in Mexico have naturally darker skin. I decided to investigate tanning salons earlier this month. Luckily, I found one a few blocks from my apartment. My first experience was a bit eye opening, and now looking back…I’m not sure the first woman knew what the hell she was doing.

Experience #1

  • Totally naked
  • Hands and feet were orange
  • Dried with the air brush hose
  • Extremely tropical looking (think Snooki)

Experience #2

  • Given a thong
  • Offered lotion for my nails, palms and feet
  • Dried with an industrial strength fan (faster and less invasive)
  • Natural looking

Time lapsed = 1 hour (30 minutes x 2 visits)

So, let’s recap…It took a total of 8 HOURS for my small engine repair.  That is crazy talk.  And, the time doesn’t even account for the awkwardness of being naked for a lot of it OR my pain and suffering from Devil Woman.

Ladies, please tell me why we do this to ourselves? We lose time, money and our modesty (not that I really care about the modesty part after two kids!).

Maybe I’ll just go “Au Natural” and become a granola eating hippie. Sounds easy enough. But, I have to be honest…that will NEVER happen! I like my small engine repair regime (minus the bikini wax). It makes me feel good about ME, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with making yourself feel good inside or out.

If anyone ever makes you feel bad for taking time for yourself – IGNORE THEM. You don’t need that kind of crap In your life. They probably mock you because their small engine probably died years ago.

Smiles,

The Dowager

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